EVERY.DAY.
Can you remember the last time you took your ring off? I can. For me it was last night. Every night, before I go to bed, I take my ring off and place it on the counter next to my sink. I don’t do this for any functional purpose and it’s not symbolic of any lapse in my commitment to my wife. I take it off so that every morning I can make the conscious choice to put it back on.
Every morning I wake up, work out, and prepare myself to meet the wonders and challenges of a new day. I clothe myself internally and externally in a manner that best represents both who I am, and who I’m striving to become. I put on my “uniform”. A uniform that represent my values. A uniform that represents the best parts of my authentic self. For me, authenticity, when it is not polite, compassionate, and respectful is not authenticity at all. It is simply lack of discipline. At any given moment my authenticity is not defined by my actions matching my feelings, but rather by my actions matching my values.
My Pleasure
I imagine its something like working at Chick-fil-a. Have you ever met an employee at Chick-fil-a who was having a bad day? I haven’t. Do you know why? It’s because when a Chcik-fil-a associate shows up to work and puts that uniform on, they are agreeing to conduct themselves in a manner consistent with the Chick-fil-a culture. Sure, Chick-fil-a associates are allowed to have a bad day. They’re just not allowed to take their bad day out on you, even when I’m sure they deal with more than their fair share of customers who take their frustrations out on them. Their stated mission is to “To have a positive influence on all who come in contact with Chick-fil-A." Do Chick-fil-a employees walk around saying “My pleasure!” to everyone they meet outside of work? Probably not. That would be incredibly annoying. However, they do it at work and it makes my day.
At work we realize that we are not only a representation of ourselves, but ambassadors of the values and culture of the organization that we work for. Although we may not always feel like it, we are expected to conduct ourselves accordingly. I apply that same standard to my role as a husband and father. I take my ring off every night so when I put it back on, I also put on all of the values and responsibilities that I’ve committed to.
Don’t “Be yourself”
One of the most dangerous and pervasive relationship myths I hear in my office is that home is where you get to “be yourself”. That is not true. Especially if “yourself” is impatient, emotionally unregulated, verbally aggressive, withdrawn, selfish, rude, or overall just unpleasant to be around. Be yourself, but give the people closest to you the best version of yourself.
Choose
My ring is not stuck on my finger. I choose to put it on every day and I encourage you to do the same. Take your ring off tonight and make the choice to put it on tomorrow morning. Choose to show up as your best self, every day. Or at least show up as your “good enough” self. But not your “authentic” self, where you give yourself permission to treat the people closest to you worse than a complete stranger or a houseguest. We should go out of our way to show up for our loved ones, rather than assume they will continuously absorb failure to show up as the partner we committed to be.
Don’t get me wrong. Making that choice is never easy, but in my experience its worth it.
Weekly Challenge
Be yourself, but not the self that is guided by how your feel about your partner moment to moment. The self that is guided by your values. The self the you promised yourself and your partner you would be.
I’m reminded of the words of Marcus Aurelius who said
“No matter what anyone says or does, my task is to be good.”