“I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
But I love it, but I love it...”
If you watched the Super Bowl LV halftime show, the moment was unforgettable. Two songs into The Weeknd’s performance, the set behind him slowly opened, revealing blinding, pulsating lights. The Weeknd entered through the opening, grabbed a camera on a selfie stick, and proceeded to wonder, seemingly confused and aimlessly through a funhouse of lights while singing about….cocaine (I know, you probably thought it was about a woman. It’s not). How fitting. It’s a dizzying 90 seconds of absolute sensation overload.
So how did a song about a complicated relationship with drug use become one of the anthems of 2015? Besides it’s infectiously catchy melody, it’s because we get it. It’s because at a neurological level, the “high” of cocaine is eerily similar to what we often misinterpret as love. The high levels of dopamine produced during the early stages of a relationship create cocaine like feelings of euphoria. Our arousal sensations are increased by noradrenaline which heightens our sensory awareness and physical excitation. Drops in serotonin contribute to obsessive thoughts and our desire for another “hit” (e.g. - Britney Spears - “Hit me baby one more time.”)
I frequently have to educate my clients that love is not a feeling. It’s a choice. That feeling we mistakenly interpret as love? It has a name. It’s called limerence and it can be amazing. But it’s not love, and it’s usually not sustainable. But that’s not a bad thing.
The problem with understanding love as as a feeling is that there will undoubtedly be times when you don’t “feel” the love with your partner. Possibly for long stretches. That’s normal. And while its possible for your partner to give you the warm and fuzzies consistently throughout a long-term relationship, in general, the more extreme limerent high only last roughly six months to two years.
There will also likely be times when you might “feel” the love with someone who is not your parter. That’s also normal. Remember that falling into/out of limerence is not the same as falling into/out of love. I’ve seen so many lives turned completely upside down because people did not understand the difference between the two.
In general, I suggest you choose love over limerence.
As a parent I do this all the time. I remember the feeling I had when I held my sons for the first time. It was magical. It was powerful. It was overwhelming. However, nearly a decade into fatherhood, those feelings are much less frequent. Don’t get me wrong, I love being a dad. But the struggle is real some days. The struggle is real most days. But I never question my love for my kids and I never want them to question my love for them. I love them because my love is based on a choice. Not a feeling.
I know what you’re going to say. Parenting is different. When you’re a parent you don’t have a choice. You always have a choice and there are unfortunately far too many parents who chose not to love their children just as their are far too many people who chose not to love their partner.
So the next time you say “I love you” think about what you’re actually trying to communicate. Are you telling your partner that you’re only with them for the “high” they give you, or are you saying something that’s deeper and much more meaningful?
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Have a topic you’d like to hear about? Email me at Drjblair@gmail.com