If you must play, decide on three things at the start: the rules of the game, the stakes, and the quitting time.
-Chinese Proverb
I don’t like playing games on my phone. It probably has something to do with my aversion to all things that are purposefully manipulative and addictive (but I’m sure we’ll get into that another day). That being said, I do like Wordle because it addresses most of my reservations about tech-based games. It’s not bingeable, and because everyone gets the same word every day, we get to share a collective experience instead of cognitively and emotionally isolating ourselves in our own respective meta-verses.
Like any good game, Worldle operates from a clear set of rules and principles. You get six attempts to guess a five letter word. Correct letters are highlighted in yellow, correct letters in correct spaces are highlighted in green. To play the game, you must understand the rules.
The same holds true for your relationship. If you want to win, you must understand and play by the rules. And just like with good games, winning in relationships isn’t always easy. But we don’t play games because they’re easy, we play them because we find their inherent challenge fulfilling. In the same way, the point of a relationship is not to be easy. The point of a relationship is to spur us toward growth, connection, and security.
So as the proverb says:
If you must play, decide on three things at the start: the rules of the game, the stakes, and the quitting time.
This is something so many couples fail to do. Have you honestly and explicitly spelled out the rules, the stakes, and the quitting time in your relationship? Most of the couples I meet with haven’t, and this oversight is at the core of most of their problems.
The Rules
Does your relationship have rules? It should. These rules stretch far beyond definitions of monogamy or fidelity. They speak to the fundamental values that will guide your relationship to success or doom it to failure.
If you haven’t already, it’s never to late to establish your relationship rules. It’s important to note that the rules will have to be revisited and revised over time as your life, environment, and circumstances change. That’s why we call major life events “Game Changers”. They change the game and force us to rewrite the rules. New job, game changer. Baby, game changer. Aging parents, game changer. COVID-19, game changer. Make sure the rules you’re playing by fit the season of life and the dynamics of the relationship you’re currently in.
Here are 10 questions to get you started.
The Stakes
Once the rules are clearly established, your next step is to identify the stakes. There is no circumstance where choosing to enter into or remove yourself from a relationship is not a high stakes decision. While I’m not in a position to tell you exactly what’s at stake in your relationship, 50 years of research clearly supports my belief that choosing your partner is one of, if not the most impactful choices you will make in your life. It not only impacts your day to day experience, but has direct consequences for your mental health, your physical health, and the long term well-being of those you care for. Being consistently explicit about what’s at stake can serve as an important reminder that your relationship should never be taken lightly.
Quitting Time
Every summer my wife and I attend several weddings. At most, if not all of the weddings we attend, the couples share vows expressing their unconditional love and devotion. Some version of “As long as we both shall live…” The data suggests that at least half of them are making statements that they probably believe to be true at the time, but ultimately won’t hold up.
In the same way that relationships experience game changers, there are also deal breakers. Being honest with yourself and your partner from the beginning about your quitting time establishes clear boundaries within the relationship. While I truly believe that most relationships can recover from most things, a candid talk about if and/or when there is an appropriate quitting time is an essential conversation that many couples naively neglect to have.
Play Time
If you’re reading this, chances are high that you’ve already decided to play. However, they’re equally high that you’ve neglected to have one or more of these important conversations. Establishing a clear understanding of the rules and the stakes, while being honest and upfront about the quitting time are crucial ingredients in the recipe for relationship success.
Have a topic you’d like to hear about? Email me at Drjblair@gmail.com