“The ability to stay calm under any circumstance is the ultimate superpower.”
The inability to communicate effectively is perhaps one of the most common challenges modern couples face. In fact, most, if not all of the work I do in my office is focused on helping couples communicate more effectively.
Couples often wonder why conversations go so much better in our therapy sessions than they do at home. They often think that the key to their healthy communication is me. It’s not. While there are many things that I do in session to facilitate healthy, safe communication, the key is understanding that to open the doors of communication in a relationship, you have to go through the window. The window of tolerance.
In my office, all of the work that I do happens within this window. By ensuring this, I stack the deck for success. The biggest mistake couples (and many couples therapists) make in regards to communication is operating outside of the window of tolerance. Healthy couples commit to learning how to identify when they are no longer operating in their optimal arousal zone. They agree to not engage in meaningful discussions when they are not in a healthy emotional space..
Know Your Zones
Hyperarousal Zone - Fight or Flight
While hyperarousal is a primary symptom of PTSD, we’re all susceptible to our body’s sympathetic nervous symptom jumping into overdrive. Especially when we’re angry, hurt, or embarrassed. Signs that you may be in the hyperarousal zone: racing thoughts, defensiveness, emotional flooding, rage, fear, tension, or yelling.
What should you do if you’re hyperaroused? Take a break. Nothing good happens when we interact with our partner in this state. Try these phrases.
-I know it’s important for us to finish this conversation but I’m starting to feel flooded. Can we take a break?
-I feel blamed/criticized/defensive when you talk to me like that. Could you please try again? Softer? I really want to understand what you’re trying to say.
Pro Tips:
Your break should be at least one hour but should usually not extend beyond the next day. If you’re in couples therapy consider tabling the discussion until your next session. Why? Cortisol. While you may feel calm and ready to resume after a few minutes, your stress hormones remain elevated for quite some time. Give your cortisol levels a chance to return to baseline. However, it’s a MUST that you resume the conversation at some point.
Want to bring your partner out of hyperarousal quickly? Give them a hug. A long one. Oxytocin, the cuddle hormone is released when you and your partner touch and facilitates feelings of calmness and intimacy.
Hopoarousal Zone - Numb
Communicating while over aroused is definitely a problem. However communication while under aroused is also problematic. Hypoarousal can be the result of fatigue, depression, or stress. It can also be the result of substances such as alcohol or marijuana. Numbness, flat affect, slow processing, withdrawal, and lethargy are all signs of a hypoaroused state.
What should you do if you’re hyoparoused? Take a break. Get some rest if you’re tired or stressed. Move around if you’re feeling sluggish. Not a morning person? Don’t have serious conversations in the morning. Not a night person? Don’t have serious conversations at night. Learn when you are most likely to be in your optimal state. Try this:
I know this is an important conversation. I’m just really tired right now and I can’t give you or this conversation the attention they deserve. Can we pick this back up after I’ve had a chance to rest?
Optimal Arousal Zone - Window of Tolerance
Successful communication is all about finding the sweet spot. Getting in “The Zone”. The window of tolerance. In this state you’re able to think and feel simultaneously, show empathy, validate, feel open and curious instead of defensive, and respond instead of react.
Communication tools and skills are great. I teach them every day. But the reality is that no matter how many tools and skills you have to communicate effectively with your partner, most people don’t have the awareness or ability to use those skills when they are outside of the window of tolerance.
Before your next conversation with your partner, pause and ask yourself “What zone am I in?”
The Window is the Way
We’re all human. It’s inevitable that we’ll find ourselves outside of the window of tolerance at times. However, we owe it to ourselves and our partners to make sure that operating outside of the window of tolerance is the exception, not the rule.
You don’t have to do it alone though. If the doors of communication in your relationship have been closed, find a therapist and use them as a ladder to reach the window to better communication, and a more satisfying relationship.
Come back every Monday for my latest post.
Have a topic you’d like to hear about? Email me at Drjblair@gmail.com