“Accountability feels like an attack when you’re not ready to acknowledge how your behavior harms others.
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Nobody likes to be nagged. It’s awful. It’s toxic, it’s destructive, and it slowly erodes the foundation of any relationship. Do a quick search and you’ll find numerous articles giving advice (usually to wives) about how to stop nagging. While some of it is actually pretty good, almost all of it is misdirected.
If we’re honest, we can admit that calling your partner a nag is a thinly veiled attempt to silence them rather than accept responsibility for our own inaction. In most cases, the solution to nagging lies not in changing the behavior of the person who nags, but in changing the behavior of the person being nagged. Nagging is the result of poor communication, unclear expectations, and lack of personal accountability.
My wife doesn’t nag. She doesn’t have to. If I say I’m going to do something, I should do it. If I don’t, she has every right to hold me accountable. My word is my bond. If I am unwilling or unable to meet her request or follow through on a task for which I’m responsible, it’s on me to communicate that clearly. I also have a responsibility to work with her in love to find an alternative solution. We’re on the same team.
Want to eliminate nagging from your relationship? Try these tips.
Six Tips to Eliminate Nagging from Your Relationship
1. Let your yes be yes and your no be no.
Eliminating nagging starts with integrity and honesty.
“Integrity is telling myself the truth. Honesty is telling the truth to other people.”
- Spencer Johnson
Tell the truth. If your partner asks you to do something, pause before you respond. Ask yourself, “Am I willing to make this request a priority?” If the answer is yes, make it a priority! Consciously set aside a specific time to fulfill their request and communicate that to your partner. If the answer is no, let your partner know, but try to work with them to see if there is another way their request can be fulfilled.
”Whoever is careless with the truth in small matters cannot be trusted with important matters.”
-Albert Einstein
2. Own it
If you accept responsibility for a task, own it! It’s yours. It is not your partner’s responsibility to remind you or check to see if you’ve followed through. Use Siri, create a checklist, follow a routine, do whatever you have to do but get it done. This is adulting. This is being a good partner.
If you fail to follow through, own it. Don’t get defensive. Don’t make excuses. Apologize and do better next time.
“Responsibility equals accountability equals ownership. And a sense of ownership is the most powerful weapon a team or organization can have.”
-Pat Summitt
3. Say When
Most nagging is the result of unclear expectations about when a task will be done. “Hey babe, when you get a chance could you please…” is a recipe for disaster. “When you get a chance” may mean something totally different for you than it does for your partner. “When you get a chance” to me usually means when I feel like it which is most likely never. This creates the perfect environment for resentment to build when your partner sees you watching tv or doing something less than productive with your time. Saying yes to a request isn’t enough. To the best of your ability, when you agree to a request, also be very specific about when and how that request will be filled.
4. Define done
Another common breakdown that leads to nagging is couples’ failure to define done. For every task, couples need to collaboratively define what done looks like. Is doing laundry putting the clothes in the washing machine and running it? Is it washing them and moving them to the dryer? It is washing, drying, and folding? Or, is it washing, drying, folding, and putting everything away? Not defining done sets couples up for perpetual conflict.
5. Say Something
If you’re not able to follow through on something you agree to do, say something to your partner before they say something to you. As soon as you realize that you won’t be able to follow through on a commitment you’ve made, reach out to your partner, acknowledge that you’re not able to meet your commitment, apologize, and make alternative arrangements for the task to be completed.
6. Make Adjustments
When you fall short, determine if this was a one-off event or if you need to change how your are approaching the task all together in order to prevent this mistake from happening again.
“Create a culture where in which it is okay to make mistakes and unacceptable not to learn from them.”
-Ray Dalio
Keep forgetting to take the trash out? Set a reminder to take it out the night before. Set a second reminder to take it out in the morning just in case you forget. Making the same mistake week after week without making adjustments is unacceptable and corrodes trust and connection in your relationship.
It takes Two
The truth is, a partner who is not willing to hold themself accountable, and be held accountable by the people they claim to love is not a partner at all. Don’t get me wrong, partner’s who nag share a responsibility to combat this destructive pattern. When our partners fall short, we have a responsibility to approach them with patience, understanding, and respect. However, that becomes much easier when we cultivate a culture of accountability.
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